Believe it or not, most of my
friends are religious to some degree or another. Although I guess that’s sort
of to be expected, given that most people are. And I’m sure you know how I feel
about people using their religious beliefs to hurt other people. But at least
as hard to deal with is watching my friends struggle with how their own religious
beliefs and/or communities hurt them.
You see, I’m kind of a liberal guy;
I’m sure that doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone reading this. And many (but
not all) of my friends are similar, including the religious ones. And, now and
then, I will see them struggling with some aspect of theology that seems to be
causing them great pain. Either trying to reconcile some piece of scripture
with what their own theology tells them their god is like, or trying to deal
with the feeling that their god is not touching their lives in the way their
faith claims to guarantee, or confronting some aspect of their church culture
that wounds or excludes them. And I find it very hard to stand by and watch,
and very hard to respond.
I mean, it’s easy to respond to some
anonymous fundamentalist bigot demanding that you persecute gay people by
telling them the god they think requires that isn’t real. The fact is, it’s
just not all that concerning if said bigot gets upset with me; if I fail to
convince him, we weren’t going to be friends anyway. It’s a whole other matter,
though, when someone you genuinely like is having issues rooted in religion.
Because, if you fail to convince them, all you manage to do is wound them
and/or the relationship. Plus, it feels a little predatory to interject into
someone’s moment of pain with commentary on their religious beliefs.
But honestly, in many of these cases it
genuinely looks like the religious beliefs are the source of the pain. And what do you say to that? When you have a
friend openly wondering why god doesn’t take away their depression the way
their church says he will, despite total devotion, belief, and fervent prayer?
When they wonder why they feel broken and despairing, despite church tales of
how their god should make them fulfilled and joyful? When the communion with
their fellow believers that they have been promised fails to materialize?
And I just want to say “It’s ok. God
isn’t failing you and you aren’t failing him; he just doesn’t exist and the
placebo effect doesn’t always work. You don’t owe it to an imaginary spirit to
feel things you aren’t wired to feel, and there’s no need to torture yourself
over it.” I don’t know if that would be comforting, but I strongly feel like
the self-torture is a bad thing that should be alleviated. I just don’t know if
speaking up would do that, or just make me seem insensitive. Or perhaps damage
(or even end) our friendship.
I guess this is a little bit angsty,
but I just don’t know where I am on this one. I guess I’m kind of talking it
through, asking questions to try and settle my own mind. And maybe hoping a
reader has some insight. Am I being sensitive by biting my tongue, or cowardly?
Am I doing what’s best for my friends, or just responding to a sort of cultural
conditioning that encourages (if not demands) that we treat religious beliefs
with kid gloves? Is there some other route that I’m just not seeing?
I just don’t know.
